Wise Uncle Ralph

Saw this the other day:

"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like it.  It speaks to the spirit of building your own scene.

With the end of race season in sight, it's the perfect time of year to head out on roads less cycled with no particular plan.  Discovery lies ahead.

Facebook friends

According to Facebook, I have 83 friends.  How the ?!&F**k?! did this happen?  Paul counts a measly 70 facebook friends, and he's an acquaintence whore for cris'sakes!  

Ok...down to 78...I suppose that's some progress.  With a bit of scutiny, I ID'd 5 people who I would NOT buy a beer if I ran into them at a restaurant.  And I've couple more are on the fence - along with two new invites, so at best it looks like I'm stuck at 78 for a bit.  Even so - WTF?  I kinda feel like my carefully cultivated introverted misanthrope rep is on the line here.  So maybe it's time to raise the standards and limit my friends to people who I'm confident would buy a beer for ME.  Or possibly, I need to cut friend-whores...'cause some of these people have three and four hundred friends, which has to violate some standard of decency.  It's got to be time for some standards... One True Way to judge friends (even on facebook.)

1. You MIGHT be friends if you would buy them a beer.  You are NOT friends if they would not buy you a beer.
2. If someone has 5 times more friends than you, you are NOT friends...you are not that special.
3. If you have no friends in common, you are NOT friends.
4. You MIGHT be friends if you would hand over your last (only) inner-tube/cliff bar/etc with 50 miles left in the ride.
5. You are NOT friends if you wouldn't share a bed in a cheap hotel on the way to/from a race.
6. If sharing someone's half-eaten cliff bar makes you uncomfortable - you are NOT friends.
7. You might be friends if you trade parts-you-have for parts-you-need.
8. If you charge someone for a tube, you are NOT friends.  If they do not try to compensate you for the tube, you are NOT friends.
9. If you wouldn't loan someone a spare frame/wheel/or bike - you are not friends.
10. If you haven't spent a few hours riding/eating/drinking/talking IN REAL LIFE - you are NOT friends.

Pursuit of Layers

Each year, as the mercury dips into the 50s, 40s, and below, the wise rider's fancy turns to layers.  As young lovers in springtime, compulsive gamblers, and crack addicts - thoughts turn and return to the pursuit - not just of layers - but of the perfect layers.  The right combinations of layers are without question the difference between joy and misery in the space below 60 degrees.  I run a bit hotter than some, but for me the essential recipe goes something like this (with adjustments for sun and wind):

45-55 

Road:SS wool baselayer.  LS jersey.  Wind vest.  Bibs + knee warmers.  Windstopper gloves. Toe booties. 

Offroad:  Sleeveless wool baselayer.  SS jersey.  Arm warmers.  Bibs.  Knee warmers.  Full finger gloves.

35-45 

Road: Sleeveless wool baselayer.  LS wool midlayer.  LS jersey.  Wind vest.  Bibs.  Tights.  Glove liner.  Windstopper gloves.  Wool cap.  Booties. 

Offroad:  SS wool baselayer.  LS jersey.  Wind vest.  Bibs.  Knee warmers .  Baggie shorts. Windstopper gloves.  Winter shoes.

25-35 

Road: SS wool baselayer.  LS wool midlayer.  Thermal jacket.  Bibs.  Windfront tights.  Glove liner.  Windstopper gloves.  Wool cap.  Toe booties.  Booties. 

Offroad:  SS wool baselayer.  LS jersey.  Wind vest.  Bibs.  Knee warmers .  Baggie knickers. Windstopper gloves.  Winter shoes.

<25 

Road: SS wool baselayer.  LS wool midlayer.  SS jersey.  Thermal Jacket.  Bibs.  Knee warmers.  Windfront Tights.  Glove liner.  Windstopper lobster gloves.  Wool cap.  Toe booties.  Booties. 

Offroad:  LS wool baselayer.  LS jersey.  Wind vest.  Bibs.  Knee warmers .  Baggie knickers. Glove liner.  Windstopper gloves.  Wool cap.  Winter shoes.

Fruit Pie The Magician

Fruit Pie the Magician was once a regular member of the Thursday Journey Into Darkness.  You would think that bringing 480 calories, 68 grams of carbs, and 400mg of sodium to the party would be enough to earn a permanent membership.  But somewhere along the road, Fruit Pie fell off the wagon and hasn't regularly been seen for a few years.  Perhaps he was offended when Paul started packing wine and cheese. Maybe he got too wrapped up in a career of print ads, comic books, and animated television commericals.  Or maybe the ride simply grew weary of his whacky magic tricks.

I like to think that Fruit Pie will return one day.  A prodigal son has returned, a lot of miles lie on the road ahead, and it's a long winter.  I think there is a good chance that Fruit Pie will appear from time to time, and rejoin his rightful place near the head of the line.  And if not...then I'll plan to see him in Iowa.

What Lies Beyond Far?

I'm in.  And to quote local gravel guru and the brains behind the Dirty Kanza "...what in the world was I thinking?"  

I've been riding bikes for a while, and despite my inconsiderable abilities, riding far is one thing I have been able to do reasonably well.  This could be a result of talent.  More likely it's the benefit of practice.  Quite possibly, it's because my cycling infancy included mid-ride conversations with vastly more talented riders (VMTRs):

ME:  How much further until we are there?

VMTR:  A ways.

ME:  How much longer will we be riding?

VMTR:  A while.

I now have a basic grasp of hours on on the bike - mostly because my phone, car, home, and wife all have clocks and I can successfully perform elementary math.  "Home around 5.  Left around 2.  Ride must have been ~3hrs."  But years later, I still have no real comprehension of what a ride means in miles.  For me, any ride is one of about five types:

• a little ways (takes a little while)
  
• a ways (takes a while)
• a good ways (takes a good while)
• a long ways (takes a long while)
• far (takes more than a long while)

I suspect that this idiotlike characteristic is beneficial when riding for a ways or more, helping me dodge mind-crippling, despair-inducing, leg-cramping countdowns of distance-to-go.  Everything is some variation of a ways - which takes some variation of a while - which is true for every single ride no matter how slow/fast/easy/hard/windy/hilly the course.

Except when it's Far.  And it's hard to express how long Far takes, because the more I ride, the longer Far gets.  Back in the day, Chequammegon's 40-mile course was Far, but now I would be hard pressed to call it more than a ways.  Centuries used to be Far, but now I'd call it a good ways (unless it takes a long while - which it shouldn't.)  

By any reasonable standard, Dirty's Kanza's 200 gravely-miley-goodness is Far.  I've completed(ish) the distance, and know that it takes a bit more than a long while.  I've also ridden more than 24 hours - which is definitely Far - but may not be as far as the THREE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY(ISH)-FREAKIN'-MILES of Trans Iowa. 

So I find myself wondering...what lies beyond far?  MoreFar?  FarThur?  Or just more Far?  Can any ride really be further than Far?  And if so, how does one really know they've ridden FarThur?  Or, having done so, does FarThur just seem Far, with some even more absurd challenge taking it's place?

Seriously, what lies beyond Far?

Just Say No

As BikeSnobNYC so astutely points out, proper style is essential to the cycling life.  From Cyclocross (high fashion) to Freeride (dirtbag) to Fred (no style) and all points in between, each cycling niche forms a style unique to the group.  Every tribe sizes up new riders based on how well the his "type" matches the group; baggy-shorts-and-flat-pedals are rejected from a matching-lycra-kits ride just as predictably as an incompatible organ transplant.  The unwritten rules - adopting the style to the ride - are core to the culture and subcultures that make the cycling life diverse, dynamic, and a playground for creativity and self expression. 

Just as style may divide, so do ties bind.  Eat before you are hungry.  Drink before you are thirsty.  Keep the rubber side down.  Knee warmers below 60.  Universal principles of belief and behavior neccessary to unite the tribes as one bicycle nation.  And too often recently, I've born witness to acts of abhorrant behavior flying directly in the face of good sense, good style, and basic human decency.

As decreed in the One True Way:  "Thou shalt not wear ankle socks."  

Unless you are a cheerleader, say no to ankle socks.  Seriously.  In fact no socks are preferred to ankle socks.  2" cuff, 3" cuff, 4" cuff, 6" cuff, crew socks, knee highs - everything goes.  But no ankle socks.  In fact, I'm extending this rule to everyone who is even semi-athletic (and generously including golfers as quasi-active.)  If you own ankle socks, repent now, admit your mistakes, burn them, make a paste with the ashes, rub the paste on your ankles (where the tan line SHOULD be) and beg forgiveness from the universe for not less than 60 days.  When you have a proper tan line and feel genuine scorn for ankle-sock-wearing heathens, you have my forgiveness.

Just say no to ankle socks.

SkyMall Is The Devil

A buddy of mine and I have been comparing the brutality and intellectual terrorism that is air travel.  He complains that he found the seventh level of hell the day he realized he was on a first name basis with gate agents...in multiple cities.  This fella is a friend - but he's way off base here.  You really know you are in hell the day you flip through SkyMall and actually think about buying something...because SkyMall Is The Devil.  Who but the dark lord himself would torment captive prisoners with such tempting treasures as the Towel-Matic:

Dispense paper towels with a wave of your hand! No more wasted paper towels! The Towel-Matic's sensor-activated control dispenses one sheet, two sheets, or the new half sheet with just a wave of your hand. It never unravels. Built-in optical sensor automatically identifies the perforations on the towel and stops right at the line every time. One-handed operation guarantees perfect tearing and helps prevent the spread of germs. Designed for tabletop, wall mount or under-cabinet mount. Requires 4 D batteries (not included).

Seriously - who among us has not been held in rapt-and-breathless-hope that one day we too would be able dispense paper towels with a wave of a hand, and avoid the shameful embarrassment of pulling one sheets too many?  This is seemingly the answer to the question we all have been searching for.  But beware!  This is unquestionably the Devil's work - as with all things too good to be true - batteries are not included.